Mental Challenges: BDD

This is where my blog will take a rather serious turn on things and will dive into the extremely sensitive and harsh reality that is losing weight, and a lot of it. I, like many people, never thought Body Dysmorphic Disorder was an actual thing. I always told myself that there was no way a person can go through that or actual thing of such a radical thing. Nevertheless, I was dead wrong. It is a thing and a very serious one for that matter.

BDD is essentially the feeling one will encounter in which they don't see themselves in the body that they physically are in. For me, it is a constant struggle every single day of my life. I wake up in the mirror and I do not see my current physically self. Instead I see my old, 300-pound self. Those 'Before' pictures that were attached in my first blog post is what I believe that I look like all the time. The biggest problem of it all, I'll always see until the day comes in which I'm comfortable in my own body, which may take a very long time.

Typically, BDD occurs to those who lose a significant amount of weight in a rather unusual/short amount of time. It is important to note that is can very well easily happen to anyone who sheds some pounds, but the likelihood is not as high. The feeling of having BDD is so weird. I realize the size clothing I am buying or the compliments I get from people, but for some reason none of that impacts my view.

I constantly (almost 24/7, 365) worry about what I eat and how that with effect my body. The amount of times I need to ask a friend "Have I gained weight?" is out of control. This disorder explains many if my quirks, like the need for going to the gym for hours on end a day, limiting what I eat and when I eat, my sleep schedule, what I wear, etc. It is actually rather sad, but I don't feel or see myself in the physical body I am in right now. I am always taking extreme

care in how I want people to perceive my physical image that it is hurting other parts of me.

The only time I will see it, feel it, embrace it, show it, is when I am comfortable but that has yet to happen - and based on my current actions, it may be a while. Tonight I will go to the gym, go home and feel good about myself. However, when I wake up and look at myself in the mirror, all I will see is 300 pounds, long hair, bushy eyebrows, and High School all over again. it is a cruel disorder that truly takes a toll on oneself physically and mentally. It is an unfortunate truth that with BDD comes depression. In my case, I have a severe case of it. That will be spilled in my next post.